Is there such a thing as being emotionally stuck in the past? Yes
Is it possible to get beyond this?
Yes. I am living proof that you can move on and it doesn’t consume your life any more.
-I hated basements, never knew why.
-I hated a certain Sunday School room at our church and never knew why.
-I hummed a song when the teacher was reading in 1st grade and didn’t know it was me.
I thought it was someone else humming and frankly I thought that they were just rude.
-I heard voices from 3 rd grade on telling me that I would die by the time I was 30, and thought it was normal.
-When I would see a little girl run up to her daddy with arms wide open I would have to turn my face away and do everything in my power not to scream, “Stop! Don’t do that he will hurt you!” But never knew why.
-Hearing the replay of my dad’s voice telling me that I am stupid, worthless, a whore, replaying over and over in my mind.
Yes, these are only some of the things that replay over and over and over in an abused mind. Doesn’t matter how old you become. Doesn’t matter how you try to drown it with alcohol, drugs or food. It’s there and it controls you. You feel that there is no hope of overcoming this. Even if there was hope, do you have the strength to overcome it?
When the feelings of hopelessness creep in, suddenly you are that little girl or little boy that is trapped by the desires of an adult 10 times your size and you freeze, withdraw or turn to something that helps you forget those memories even if it is for a short while.
The thrill of the moment for the abuser ends when he or she has satisfied their desire, but for the abused it is carried for life. It consumes and is always a nagging scene being replayed, frozen in time, in the back of our minds. There seems to be no way out.
There is hope. I am living proof that you can overcome it. I do not offer a magical pill, potion or a 5 step program. I only thing that I have to offer is to let you know that I went through therapy and step by small step I climbed out of that abyss that consumed me and have worked through a lot of the hidden memories.
At first I was so scared to let out the secrets. The little girls inside were so used to protecting the secrets that none of us knew what would happen if one did slipped out.
Because my body was in so much pain I was forced to face the Hidden Secrets that seemed to be frozen in time. With the gentle guidance of my therapist I realized that yes, the pain of the memory as horrible as it was to face it and accept it, once out in the open, it didn’t have as much power over me anymore.
I came to realize that by keeping the secrets inside and protecting them, it wasn’t just a holding cell for the memories, it was a command/control center.
It did help for many years by keeping it all contained, Cheryl didn’t have to “feel” the abuse. She was able to function as a normal person. But then came a time it had to come out.
Please hear me. If your insides are hurting and filled with grief of damaged memories, you can be free. Those horrible memories begin to turn to poison that affect you physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Please find someone to start talking it out.
That is exactly what you will be doing…..TALKING IT OUT……Talking it out of the past and out of you, getting it outside of your body so it can’t hurt you anymore. Once a memory of the abuse is talked about and worked through it loses the power to control you. It loses the power to hurt you over and over again.
Let me try to explain it this way. You get a big sliver buried deep in your hand. It is going to hurt if you take it out, so you leave it there. At first no problem, it bugs you a little bit, but not bad. The longer it stays in there you see your skin turning red. Then it hurts a little more, but thinking about taking it out is not an option, because you know it will hurt a lot more. So you leave it alone. One morning you wake up with your hand throbbing and swollen and you can see under your skin the infection that is building around the sliver.
You finally draw enough gumption to get a needle and begin removing this sliver. The infection comes oozing out and finally the sliver and over the next few days it is tender, but it heals up over time.
This is the same way (just not as easy or as fast) for those hidden memories. Leaving them inside will only cause an “infection” in your soul. Talk it out, get it out in the open with a trained therapist and let the control of you come back to you.
Warm Hugs, Cheryl
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